I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
