apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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