official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
