Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
