I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
