If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
