im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
