girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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