you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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