the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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