Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
