she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
