he wants to bone in the snuggie
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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