he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
