I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
