He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
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his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
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All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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