it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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