I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
