you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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