Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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