my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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