"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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