How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
