the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I had to cum in my sink.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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