just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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