i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
