How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
