this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
