What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
