You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
