btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
