Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
did i just pee glitter
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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