is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
