Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
