Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
