found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
