Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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