When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
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I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
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My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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