you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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