I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
