rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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