How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm gonna fight the coyote
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
