and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
apparently the secret to your success is patron
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
