we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think my moral compass just broke
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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