Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
