Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
