Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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