woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
