Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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