I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
