Buhtt sex?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
