Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
