i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
