i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
