You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
