You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I look better un-naked...
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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