people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
