this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
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