I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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