Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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