She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
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i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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