had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
