Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
