I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
